Just so you know, this one isn't very funny because I'm in a bad mood. But I shall try to make it light hearted.
I'm slowly beginning to realise that despite one's best efforts, you cannot make a fire from a wet lettuce and a match. No matter how much girl guiding experience you throw at it.
I generally know when to call time on a man. I do it when they start to behave like fools. Sometimes this can be after 5 minutes, other times it can be after 5 weeks. Most times it's after they've offered to buy me fried chicken.
But as the months pass by, I have tried in vain to be less dismissive and critical of such foolish behaviour because those first few dates can be nervewracking. And who am I to automatically dismiss them just incase they accidentally make a poor first impression?
I'm aware that people's perceptions of me after meeting me for the first time are vastly different from their opinion of me after they've known me for about six months.
But some things you just cannot change. No matter how nice they eventually seem, how rich (or generally poor) they are, if they don’t excite you on the first date, it’s massively likely that they are never going to excite you.
I know sparks can be created by a bonding over common things - I'll automatically fancy any guy who can play the piano - or pretty much any musical instrument.
I'll also automatically fancy any guy who can make me laugh by being his natural self and not telling shit jokes.
And I know it takes time to get to know people etc, but I figure that if you are still none the wiser after two dates, then you should probably get rid.
The current man in question is Nathan. SpeedDating Nathan.
I Really don't think I'm picky. But I'm contemplating kicking Nathan to the kerb. Reason being that there is no spark whatsoever. I’ve had two very boring dates with him and have decided that even though he is very good on paper, and somebody who my mother will love, there is no chemistry between either of us and no potential sparks at all. At all.
Don't get me wrong, he’s a lovely chap. But spending time with him is like rubbernecking a fatal car crash on the motorway. You know it’s gonna be bad, but you go and have a look anyway just to see. And it’s ten times worse than you expected.
Unfortunately poor Nathan bored me to tears on the first date - conversation was generally about his ability to tell me the capital city of any country in the world. And he didn’t get this knowledge from travelling. Oh no, he just really likes looking at maps. He also told me about the time he put £13 in the coinstar machine and only got back £11.86. Then he questioned me on my attitudes towards coinstar machines and whether I thought that 8% commision was too high considering that the machine doesn’t actually do that much. Not to mention him turning up 20 minutes late, and ringing me to tell me to get him a Stella as opposed to apologising for running late.
I put this whole shocking experience down to nerves (his), and foolishly went out with him again.
The second time (cinema and drinks) started off well. Mainly because we were both watching the film (Harry Brown). Then afterwards he suggested that we went for a cup of tea. Yes tea. I agreed and followed him into Frankie and Benny’s where he tried to explain to the waiter that although we wanted a booth, we would only be ordering two cups of tea. I let him die for about ten seconds and then gingerly suggested we drive up to Trio and have a proper drink. Which we did.
We chatted about his colourful past - he used to be in a boyband (he soooo has the hair for it), he was an extra in emmerdale & heartbeat and spent 5 years in London trying to 'make it' as a superstar. Which made me think that deep underneath his soulless exterior there lay a pretty normal bloke. I tried in vain for 2 hours to get him to open up but the most I got was his description of a typical day at his work.
" I get in at 8.10. At 8.15 I probably go and make a cup of tea. Unless of course I get in the office and realise that somebody is about to make one. Then I ask them, but otherwise I'll just make one for myself. Then by that time it's about 8.20, so I sit down and go through my emails. Then at about 8.30………”
I just don’t know what to do. He’s nice. I’m sure he is. But he bores me. He actually bores me. Properly bores me. I listen to him talking and I’m thinking ‘Surely he can’t think that this is good conversation’. But I think he does. Maybe we’re just a little too different.
Nonetheless I've agreed to go on one more date with him on the proviso that we get drunk. If he opens up after a few bevvies and we have a laugh, then I’ll know that he was just nervous all the other times and I’ll give him another chance.
If however he remains the same, then I know it’s not meant to be.
I think 3 dates is enough to work out whether you like someone isn’t it?
Anyway, since it’s nearly Christmas and most of you are going to be doing couply things, please spare a thought for your single friends and how they may be spending the festive period. Should you feel the need to break from your cosy cocoon, then give me a ring and invite me out on the town. I almost feel ashamed that I’m technically touting for business but winter is a lonely time, and I would relish the opportunity to go out for a boogie. You don’t have to be my wing(wo)man or anything, and who knows, you could even feature in a future episode.
I’m pretty confident that somewhere there is a nice man who will quite like the look of me when he meets me. And he’ll be normal and not have any social problems. And he’ll let me go to bed after 10.30pm and also let me eat cake whenever I want.
But until I find him, I shall continue to fill your inboxes with humourous anecdotes about my experiences with the freaks that run amongst us.
Until next time…….